Emerge into who you really are.
Life Beyond the Armor
What if the thing holding you back isn't who you are, but how you've learned to hide?
We understand feeling stuck in life. Feeling like your relationships aren’t as connected or as abiding as you want, or like you can’t seem to do the things that really matter to you in life. There could be a very good reason for that, and it’s probably new to you. Every one of us unconsciously builds armor to protect ourselves from social pain throughout our lives. “Social hiding”. It can look like a million different things. Some familiar examples include perfectionism, people-pleasing, isolating, keeping people at arm’s length, or being the smartest person in the room. Sometimes it's playing small, or keeping our biggest dreams a secret from the world.
You're Not Broken. You're Human.
What we call "social hiding" isn't a character flaw—it's a universal human response to “social pain” — any interaction with a person or people that leaves you feeling diminished, shamed, embarrassed, broken-hearted or hurt in any other non-physical way. Our brains create protective patterns to keep us safe when the pain occurs, always as the most natural, logical choice in the moment. The problem is, even when we no longer need the protection, it stays in place, creating an invisible barrier to the lives we truly want.
We don’t typically hide in all areas of life. You may be fully yourself in one area of your life while hiding in another: The confident keynote speaker who bolts from the room when required to speak one-on-one with the audience members. The single person who won’t date but loves parties. The charming friend who makes all the plans but avoids parties like the plague. The creative soul who never shares their art but is an encouraging teacher.
Socialpain can cause us to hide our greatness with social hiding, sometimes so deep we can’t even find it. Life Beyond the Armor exists to help people reclaim who their whispering voice knows they are.
If you’re visiting this website and reading this page you probably have the sense, maybe the nagging feeling, that you are meant for something. Maybe what you’re meant for is clear as day, maybe it’s simply “I know I’m meant for something more than this.
In “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey knows he’s meant for building grand things like skyscrapers and bridges. He’s not alone in that. Others have said things like:
I’ve always known I’m meant to be a father
I’m an artist. It’s who I am.
I just want to make the world a better place
I’ve always pictured my life filled with the people I love.
It all stems from normal brain function.
Neuroscience research* shows that our need for connection is even greater than our needs for food, shelter and other basics. We don’t just “get over it” when we experience social pain—rejection, humiliation, criticism, etc. Our brains encode protective patterns in response. These patterns often form early, or so subtly we don’t even notice it’s happening, so we’re left thinking it’s just "who we are”; limited in ways that come naturally for others.
The fact is, like it or not, everything we do is measured against “what will people think of me?” Anybody who says they don’t care what people think might mean “I care what people think but I do what I want anyway.” Or maybe it’s aspirational— We are built to prioritize what people think of us. The need for acceptance never goes away, but having it stop us in life can get really old. Or… Our internal dialogue is so non-stop that we often don’t consciously hear it anymore. But it’s always there, doing everything in its power to keep us safe from social pain, whether we hear it or not.
Hiding is mostly invisible to us, hiding in plain sight.
Surprisingly, as common and as powerful as social hiding is, it has barely been an isolated as its own field of study. Hiding is referenced as a function of something else in various contexts including the Autism spectrum, clinical psychology, 12-Step programs and more, but only as that. In fact, according to numerous AI searches, Life Beyond the Armor is the first effort to give the social hiding phenomenon its own focus in full, as a means to live a more self-aware, empowered life.
Or maybe it’s not so surprising that social hiding hasn’t been made a focus unto itself — it isn’t a purely psychological phenomenon. It’s a result of a complicated interplay of biological, psychological, and sociocultural variables, all as unique and individual as there are human beings in this world. So social hiding doesn’t fit neatly into any larger field of study, and there are few if any one-size-fits-all mandates involved. It exists between the cracks, hiding in plain sight.
Sometimes hiding is the right thing to do.
The goal is never to completely stop hiding—that would be impossible, and unfair to us. Hiding is never wrong! Rather, it's:
A matter of choice — Once you’ve gained mastery over your social hiding, you can choose to hide or not to hide. Knowing to choose hiding can be an important life skill
Sometimes absolutely necessary — If you're in an environment where people would make your life miserable just for being you, hiding is the best thing to do.
Your right — Within the limits of law and ethics, nobody has an inherent right to know anything about you.