Hiding FAQs

Q:  What is hiding?

A:  Life Beyond the Armor (LBA) defines “hiding” as the consistent, largely unconscious behaviors that keep others from seeing and knowing particular things about us.  Naturally and automatically, every human learns to hide at a very early age.  

We all have our own personalized mosaic of hiding behaviors that are created unconsciously and lived out unconsciously every day.  It’s simply part of being human. Hiding can be helpful, or neutral, and it can seriously limit our lives and our relationships. We hide who we really are, hide that we believe everyone dislikes us, hide what we feel shame or guilt about, hide anything that we fear will make people like or love us less.

There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong, broken, neurotic or shameful about hiding!  Hiding is every human’s first line of defense. We need ways to protect us from what makes us vulnerable in the world, and hiding just makes sense.

It’s useful to know that most of us hide more in some areas of our lives than others.  For example, I love making speeches and public presentations (I know that makes me weird) but initiating a new relationship of any kind feels nauseatingly scary to me. 

We all have our own personalized mosaic of hiding behaviors that are created unconsciously and lived out unconsciously every day.

Q:  This isn’t a new invention; we all know people hide.

A:  Exactly!  But do we all have awareness of the ways WE hide, and how it might be limiting our lives?  Almost never! If someone asked you what you do — as in concrete, visible actions — to hide, would you be able to answer the question?  Beyond knowing how we isolate ourselves (I go straight to my bed when the world feels too daunting), we’re mostly unaware of our hiding behaviors.

Consider that a gleaming smile, a subtle scowl, stiffly upright posture, or having the loudest voice in the room can, being wealthy, being nice, being busy, being well-dressed, can all be hiding behaviors for people who depend on them— whether they’re helpful, neutral or limiting.  People use those behaviors and countless others to effectively hide.

And it’s astounding, with all the opportunities out there to learn how to live our best lives, that hiding hasn’t ever been made the core focus of anything.  It’s truly an example of not seeing what’s right under our noses, or not being able to find our glasses when they’re on top of our heads.

The biggest irony of all is that the best skills feel impossible to consistently implement when hiding is in the way.  The power of hiding is immense.  We want to live our truest lives, and at the same time, we don’t want to incur the judgement of others if we were to try.  Staying safe from social pain wins out over and over and over again.

Q:   I don’t know if I hide.  If hiding is unconscious, how can I know if I’m doing it?

A:  The simple answer is this:  If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, such as to be deeply connected in your romantic relationship, or to express your talents to the world, or to connect with people more, but you’ve never done it, there’s probably something you’re doing instead.  (Ex; the things you do when you’re procrastinating are probably hiding behaviors.)  In other words, if there’s something you really want, and you have the resources to find your way toward having it, but you never seem to attain it, you’re likely hiding.

Q:  So if hiding is so fundamental, is it really possible to change it?

A:  Absolutely!  The LBA approach is to transform it from the standpoint of hiding behaviors.  The question is, what are you not doing that would be an expression of your truest life, and what are you doing to hide, to keep yourself safe.  

The goal is to truly come to terms with how and when your hiding behaviors limit your life and then build the internal sense of safety and external social supports necessary to engage with the world exactly as you are and exactly as you’re not.

Q:  Why do people hide?

A:  The billions of ways of hiding are a reaction to the experience of being threatened by something—the very real, very human fear of social pain— the fear of losing esteem, acceptance, love, belonging.  That threat terrifies us!

Unlike most other animals in nature, human’s brains are hard wired to need:

• Connection

• Community

• A sense of belonging

• To feel seen, loved, respected, needed

Our need to connect and stay connected with other people is even more fundamental, more basic, than our need for food or shelter.  Plus, our brains react to social pain in much the same way as they react to physical pain, so when we

This wiring can lead us to behavior that might seem irrational, such as being less afraid of physically dangerous activities than letting people in on who we are and what we’re doing.  It’s really just the result of our brains being structured to prioritize social connection.

Q:  Is there any science behind this notion?

A:  Yes!  More and more every day, as neuroscientists research the social brain.

Recent fMRI research tells (and shows) us that our need to connect and stay connected with other people is even more fundamental, more basic, than our need for food or shelter.

Our brains react to social pain in much the same way as they react to physical pain.  (Have you ever had a broken heart and noticed how much it “hurts”?  That’s your brain not caring what the source of your pain is – physical or emotional – it wants to alert and protect you.)

This wiring can lead us to behavior that might seem irrational, such as being less afraid of physically dangerous activities than letting people in on who we are and what we’re doing.  Have you ever known of someone who bungie jumped, despite their terror, because of peer pressure?  It’s really just the result of our brains being structured to prioritize social connection over almost anything and everything.

Q:  So why do we hide when we fear social pain?  Why don’t we do something else instead?

A:  The human fear response is to fight, flee, or freeze.  None of those options work in a job interview, on the first day of middle school, on a date, when in a group of peers.  Or in just about any other social interaction.  Nor did they work in more primitive times in human evolution.  Except in extreme circumstances, human society has always required healthy interdependence for survival.  The species would have been long gone.

…And so, for every social situation that threatens us, we adopt a way of behaving that hides us and thus keeps us feeling safe from whatever we’re threatened by.

Q:  I don’t want to stop hiding – I love hiding from the world with Netflix and a glass of wine!

A:  Me too!  In fact, many of the ways we hide work well for us!  LBA’s focus is on reinforcing what works in people’s lives and transforming the things that don’t.  And so our offerings help people identify and have agency over the ways that hiding holds them back.  It’s all about greater connection, joy, and self-expression!  Living your truest life!

Q:  I’m not aware of any effects of hiding in my life.

A:  Our hiding is mostly invisible to us!  Our hiding habits form unconsciously, and they become as unconsciously rote as keeping your balance on a bike.

Mostly what we’re aware of is the outcomes of our hiding behaviors.  Hiding that has a positive effect protects us from potential harmful interactions with others, keeps us at a safe distance, and gives us control over what the people in our lives know about us and thereby how they treat us.  Hiding that has a negative effect keeps us from fully connecting with the people we care about, makes it nearly impossible to follow our dream pursuits in the world, and leaves us with a subtle, nagging feeling that we’re not living our truest lives.

But the purpose of LBA is not to say that everybody needs to stop hiding in limiting ways. Rather, one of LBA’s guiding principle’s is that most people will go to their graves having lived pretty good lives, no matter what. Choosing to transform one’s own limiting hiding is simply a personal choice that people don’t have to make.

Q:  I think I can tell when the people around me are hiding.  I hate it.

A:  You probably can!  Life Beyond the Armor is definitely NOT about calling anybody out on their hiding, it’s about having compassion for ourselves and our own hiding.

That said, these are some of the things we commonly say when we suspect someone is hiding who they fully are:

• Putting on an act

• Putting on a happy face

• “Just being polite”

• Faking it

• Holding back

• Is so fake

• Has walls up

• Has a persona

• Is pretentious

We also call people arrogant, obnoxious, nasty, etc., without thinking about those behaviors as common hiding behaviors, we just know we can’t get close to people who are arrogant, obnoxious, nasty and the like.  Often, the people we can’t get close to are hiding from us with those distancing behaviors.

Q:  What are the ways people hide?

A:  There are as many ways as there are people on earth, times 100.  We hide in big ways, for example, completely isolating ourselves, being too “important” to talk to, keeping yourself so busy you don’t have time to think.  Being wealthy or successful can be a way to hide. Being broke and unsuccessful can too. We hide in little ways, for examples, drinking at a party, being nice to people we don’t like, saying “I’ll get to it” about things we know we’ll never do.  We choose how to hide (mostly when we’re younger) in moments of social pain, without any awareness that we’re making that choice.

Q:  How do I know I’m hiding?  Couldn’t it just be my personality?

A:  Think of it this way:  People of countless personality types have had deeply connected relationships, have been highly successful in the pursuits that matter to them, have had joyful and fulfilling lives.  Personality doesn’t act as a barrier like hiding can.  So if there’s an area of your life where you know what to do to have what you want, but you’re not doing it, you’re likely hiding instead.  It’s simply what we humans do.